The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
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If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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