I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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