she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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