You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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