I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
