sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
