I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
