she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
