in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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