i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
