Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
