A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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