I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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