you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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