You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
