On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
