I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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