just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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