Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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