Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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