FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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