Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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