upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
