drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
