i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
