Kiss
Puke
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
