Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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