Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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