Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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