I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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