So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
