just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The beer is more important than you right now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
