I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
