I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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