Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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