Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
