What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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