dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
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You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
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Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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