You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
