A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
