I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
