i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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