dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Randomize
