Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
