i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
