I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
