Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
