My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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