oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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