pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This is the high leading the old right now
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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