I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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