Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
