if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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