that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
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I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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