Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
