the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
