If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
