Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
