I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So much Jack, so little girl.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
