I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
