Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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