The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
