Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
