She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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