Will you blow on my dice?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
