Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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