I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
