Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
